Just your Average Saturday
by Capritarius
Summary: Life in a Petridish...it's not as easy as it sounds
1. Chapter 1

It was Saturday. The school was utterly still: not even the janitor remained. However, if one were to break into the school door (though I do not know for what unearthly reason one would break _in _to school), one would find a cold, lifeless lobby, as if hundreds of kids had not faced terrible judgment there. Going beyond t hat, if one chose too, one would find three long corridors. One of these corridors yielded a door with an overly cheery image of a smiling dog doing homework. It seemed at odds with its lifeless surroundings, strangely unaware, yet all the same drained by the omnipresent semidarkness. Through the door, and one would find a perfectly orderly, perfectly still biology classroom. The books on their shelves, the supplies in their closets, the papers in their respective in and out trays. Except for a solitary Petri-dish, sitting upon the counter. It appeared as lifeless as its surroundings, but looking closer…

"MOVE!!! Faster!!! We're working on a deadline you useless tumours!"

The head construction protein was very on edge. He had been assigned this project minutes ago: He was to build a new office building in block A-16. But his team of poorly trained aminos was acting up again.

"No, the OTHER way, you excuse for a cell!!! It says THIS SIDE UP!!!"

Suddenly a messenger amoeba sped up, an order bonded to its frontal lobe. With a grumble, the Head Protein snatched the order and gave it a once-over. Then a twice-over. Then he took out his spectacles and examined it carefully. It was a missive from HONO, the High Order of Nuclear Officers, requesting a meeting in Central Membrane, the cellular headquarters, in 0400 milliseconds. Swearing, the Head Protein spit discharge upon the sidewalk and hurried away to catch a carrier protein into Central Membrane. Lucky he didn't forget his wallet.

Arriving at Central Membrane, the Head Protein resisted the urge to bow to the senior members of the committee, of which he was the youngest. The only person he recognized for sure was his friend Euglen, head of the Amoebas. The circular room in which they stood was lined with a multitude of chairs, upon which sat various representatives with their various headdresses. Euglen moved forward to introduce the Head Protein to the senior members of the committee.

"Berzel, this is Proteo, representative elective of the Stem Cells,"

A green cell of indeterminate shape raised a few cilia in greeting.

"High Priest Deox ex Machina, head of the nuclear division of Ribosome United,"

What looked like the Flying Spaghetti Monster with a dunce cap gestured expansively.

"And this is Chief So'rgos, the Alpha Lipid."

A gelatinous oval grunted incommitably.

Berzel, Head Protein, took his seat and churned apprehensively. No sooner had he sat down did the High Priest rise from his seat and look around, casting about with his daunting photoreceptors.

"Comrades, now that Head Protein Berzel is in attendance, may we begin this, the 9,706,574th meeting of HONO.

First, allow me to thank Chairman Ke'rat, for the wonderful brownies he baked this morning."

Hearty applause erupted. Brownies were a rather Holy object among cells.

"And now, to graver issues," the High Priest continued.

"I regret to inform you all that a serial eater named Leuke has escaped from prison block 17-C. This occurred 5 minutes ago."

There was a collective murmur. Everyone knew the damage that could be done in 5 minutes. Especially by Leuke.

"As you all should know from the…newspaper(?)…Leuke is a stem cell, and is thus highly dangerous."

Several cells glanced at Proteo. Stem Cells had a knack for survival, and it didn't help that they could change into various cell types of different denominations. He could be anywhere. In your shoe. Check your shoe. Check it now!!! Smell it! Smell it!!!

"Chief So'rgos has sent several white blood cells ahead to secure all possibly exit routes and-"

"With all due respect, sir," Berzel interrupted "You did say, _exit routes?_"

There was a hive of whispering and grunts of disapproval. _Nobody_ interrupted a High Priest. Chief So'rgos gave an amused huff.

The High Priest glanced disdainfully in my direction, than reconsidered and elaborated.

"Let me explain. You see, our latest researchers up in the VBA (Viral Bureau of Intelligence), during their reconnaissance trips in an effort to find the source of the recent invasion of viruses, have stumbled upon a shocking revelation."

The High Priest took a deep breath, as if to steady himself. This was bad. If something was making a High Priest anxious, then it must be very, VERY bad.


	2. Chapter 2

"My friends, the world is not round. It is flat."

There was an uproar. Bacterial religion dictated that the world was round, and all who said otherwise were heretics. To hear a High Priest deny this, a basic dogma, was unprecedented.

Euglen rose. "SILENCE." The noise within the room quieted to a dull roar as the other cells cast mutinous looks about. Berzel stared ahead confusedly.

The High Priest continued serenely, as if no interruption had taken place.

"VBA field agents have journeyed to the Edge of the World and found that it is, indeed, flat."

"Sure, and food is solid!" a junior member of the committee exclaimed. There were cheers and catcalls around the room.

The High Priest elaborated. "Our world is encased by a translucent, impenetrable barrier of unknown forge. We believe it to be the substance bespoken of the Gods to be plastic. Our world, our Petri –dish, is not the round ball of rice pudding we have all believed it to be. It is a flat plastic disc mounted on a desert in the middle of an ocean of toxic air."

"We believe that Leuke is the prophesized sixth son of the Devil, and that he will attempt to escape our world and assemble an army of alien viruses with which to take over our humble Petri-dish. If he succeeds, our world shall be consumed in a mighty Deluge of dead bodies and all will perish."

But remember the Words of God and take heart! We cannot lose! Was it not said in Genesis?

"In the beginning God created the table and the Petri-dish. And the Petri-dish was without form, and stoned; and light was on the face of the telescope. And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the Ant-Eater-"

Suddenly, all light disappeared.

And Chaos descended upon the face of the committee.

As the others screamed and ran about, Chief So'rgos was in his element.

"Status report!" he barked.

A young lipid officer protruded from the membrane wall. "There are breaches in South Endoplasmic Reticulum block 7-W!!! Immune system failure in all four quadrants!"

"Sir, the sky is falling!"

"What?!"

All looked above. The sky, ever clear, suddenly cracked. An opaque, white, jagged spear that slowly lengthened and widened until the whole sky was torn asunder, and chunks of its plastic fell upon us.

The High Priest stood apart, muttering to himself.

"The light shall be darkened, and the moon shall not give her rice pudding, and the stars of plastic shall fall, and the powers that are in Heaven shall sing B-I-N-G-O…"

"Sing what now?!" Berzel exclaimed.

The High Priest gazed at him. "I am your father, and I shall break every ceramic pot in the known galaxy. Bow to my Death Beam!!!"

And with that an unholy light gushed from the High Priest's…nose(?)…and all was goodly smited.

And a brown deluge of dead cells fell from the sky and all was dark, all was quiet.

Except for one survivor, clinging to a piece of drift…wood(?)…screaming on and on about how his tummy was hemorrhaging and he wanted to sue the Human Race. But suddenly your shoes fell from the sky and smote him upon the brow, and all was still, all was silent.

…

…

"Jimmy, you horrible boy!"

Mrs. Gunderson was apopleptic with rage.

"What," She said, quivering, "Do you call-THAT!!!???"

She stabbed a velociraptor claw of a hand at the Petri-dish lying crushed upon the floor.

Jimmy looked bleakly at the fallen, cracked Petri-dish.

"I tried to make it better by pouring garlic sauce on it."

The end is near. The skies will rain blood

Jimmy, Mrs. Gunderson, and the whole class all looked above. The sky, ever clear, suddenly cracked. An opaque, white, jagged spear that slowly lengthened and widened until the whole sky was torn asunder, and chunks of lightning fell upon us.

Mrs. Gunderson stood apart, muttering to herself.

"B, I, N G O and Bingo was his name-O…"

"B-what now?!" Jimmy exclaimed.

And a red deluge of dead blood fell from the sky and all was dark, all was quiet.

Jeez, I need some coffee.

Smelled your shoe yet?


End file.
